With Jeff Fahey dead at the end of the first episode, I found myself seriously wracking my brain for a reason to keep watching Under the Dome. On paper, it's got as many things working towards it as it's got working against it. It's starring Jeff Fahey, which means I'll put my eyes on it no matter what. BUT it's on CBS.

It's been developed and is written by Brian K. Vaughan, who is one of my favorite comic book writers and who was the lead story editor on Lost for seasons two through five. BUT it's full of by-the-numbers, lazy-as-all-get-out television writing.

It's an incredibly rad Stephen King novel being brought to the small screen...BUT it's anything by Stephen King being brought to the small screen.

There are pros, here, and there are cons. There has got to be a tipping point somewhere, and I was pretty determined to find it after that second episode.

And then, lo.

Under the Dome is not here to entertain you, people. No. NO.

Don't be foolish; Under the Dome is here to edify your face, with some of the most breathtaking facts that you could ever hope to learn, even from the most informative collection of books available.

Here's just a smattering of the things I've learned from Under the Dome. And in only two episodes, no less.

  • If you are in a room and there is something that has to do with propane in that room, then that room will automatically go up in flames as though there actually were several open canisters of propane sitting inside it.
  • A house fire can be put out by knocking down the house that's on fire.
  • A house can be knocked down by hitting it in its upper, right-hand corner three times.
  • Lesbian couples from Los Angeles have teenaged daughters that they (unwittingly, I'm assuming) name after vegan Japanese seaweed treats.
  • You can remember actual things that you did not observe during a real life experience if you dream about that experience carefully enough.
  • Chaining a girl up in a bomb shelter makes her love you again. It is also relatively easy to do, provided that you simply avoid changing your clothes (confusion).
  • Three men doing some business can literally save an entire town from whatever horrible fate might await it.
  • For the most part, people just do their thing when a dome falls on them.
  • The people of Chester's Mill are relatively easy to talk out of things.
  • If you find a dude's legs, immediately steal that dude's dog, too.
  • Priests—let alone any people—say "Bless you, child" when neither speaking to a child nor responding to someone who has sneezed.

Learn on, faithful watchers of TV!